GAMES PEOPLE PLAY (Which game(s) apply to you?)
This is not about Games People Play on purpose. In
fact, it's the opposite. We are not aware of these games and therefore have no clue how to stop playing it. The games were
developed naturally as a result of past experiences and messages driven into us while growing up. It helps to identify the
game so that you can remedy the situation and thus become liberated.
There are many ways to spend our time on Earth. We can
spend it enjoying the company of others, improving ourselves, making the world a better place to live, or developing our skills
and talents. Or we can waste our time, plodding along in lockstep, leaving our talents undeveloped, failing to make contact
with those around us.
People who are afraid of intimacy waste the precious
time allotted them for establishing relationships. They cannot act spontaneously because their fear of revealing themselves
inhibits them. To keep themselves safe, they seek refuge in a variety of numbing, even destructive, games.
This is about the games people play, games that keep them
from interacting with others in a real and honest way. There are many more games than the ones listed here. You may know someone
who plays a game quite different from anything described here. There are as many games and variations on games as there are
troubled people who play them.
What marks a way of behavior as a game? Here are a few
ways to tell.
- Games have ulterior motives. The game player pretends to do one thing
while in fact he/she is doing something quite different.
- Games are repetitive. The person who is game-free can act and react
in a wide variety of ways. The game-playing person finds himself acting in the same ways over and over again.
- Games use other people. The game-playing person does not see others
as fully human. She/he views them as pawns, as opponents, or as spoils to be competed for.
- Games have payoffs. People play games because they are looking for
a particular gain or payoff. In the case of the games described here, the "payoff" is successfully avoiding self-disclosure.
Described here are 22 games, arranged in alphabetical order.
Besides describing each game, a remedy is also offered. Although suggestions are given for things to do and things to become
aware of, what matters most is the game player himself. Unless he is determined to stop the game, no amount of insight can
help.
Games often arise from our life scripts, those messages
we have been carrying around since the age of five. It is no wonder, then, that breaking the pattern is so difficult. In fact,
it has been compared to trying to change the course of a river. Even the most determined person might need help to bring the
change about. This help can come from a professional, from a formal support group, or from the friends and family in one's
life. And while a lucky few may be able to accomplish change overnight, the process for most of us is slow going, with many
skips and slides before we reach the goal. The withholding games described include:
The Actress
The Addict
The Analyst
The Broken Wing
The Challenger
The Chameleon
The Come-on
The Crazy Person
The Critic
Daddy Warbucks
The Discounter
The Entertainer
The Fat Person
The Guru
I Dont Want To Burden To You
The Juggler
The Nurse
The Possum
The Proxy
The Right Stuff
Skin Deep
Tomorrow At Tara
The Actress
The Game: This
game requires a higher degree of emotionalism than most men in our society care to show. They are more likely to use the strategy
described in playing Possum. The Actress lives in a state of high drama. Her personal relationships are stormy and tempestuous.
So are her relationships at work, where her high-voltage feelings frequently interfere with her ability to get the job done.
If she is in therapy, she has many "breakthroughs" but
rarely, if ever, achieves lasting progress. On the surface it seems that the Actress is simply a breed apart; fated to live
fast, die young, and "do it all" in between. A closer look reveals that the Actress is very much the author of her own drama.
She fills her life with people who are unavailable, abusive or emotionally unbalanced.
She neglects little things (like paying the rent or getting
the roof fixed) until disaster results. The Technicolor feelings the Actress professes are essentially phony reactions to
the stage business she has set in motion. Her real feelings, which she doesn't want to deal with, are carefully hidden beneath
her turbulent façade.
The Actress suspects her "real" self is not special or
lovable. To be loved, she must put on a show and pull people into her drama. The Actress's life is studded with short-lived,
superficial relationships because other people (unless they are playing games themselves) see the falseness of her emotions
and pull away from her.
The Remedy:
As a child, the Actress may have gotten a lot of attention by throwing tantrums, or she may have seen her parents continually
quarreling and making up. For whatever reasons, she decided that larger-than-life emotions are better than life-sized ones.
The Actress must go back, examine this early decision, and make a new decision about life. She must be willing to stop the
drama and sweep the stage clean of self-created crises and trumped-up emotions. Then she will be able to experience, accept,
and share her real feelings.
The Addict
The Game:
Research indicates that addiction to alcohol and other drugs is not simply a psychological problem. Some people are more vulnerable
than others because of their biochemical makeup. Yet it is a cop-out to blame ones biology. The Addict has chosen to become
a victim of his own biochemistry rather than to protect himself against it. The Addict is afraid of his own feelings, which
he seeks to numb with drugs, alcohol, or both. Because intimacy and feeling go hand in hand, he is also terrified of forming
close relationships.
To avoid his feelings, the Addict chooses to interact with
a chemical substance instead of with people. The high he gets provides the drama and stimulation he would normally get from
human beings. Moreover, being high obscures the feelings of emptiness that haunt him. Because intimate, game-free relationships
frighten the Addict, he uses his addiction to manipulate the people in his life.
To the Addict, people are either Rescuers or Persecutors,
good guys or bad guys. (Usually, they are forced to be both.) People are not free to be themselves around the Addict, and
this effectively bars the path to intimacy. The Addict babies himself and blames himself at the same time. On one hand, he
believes he is special: sensitive, gifted, and extraordinarily intelligent. Yet he also fears he is a loser, unlovable, and
doomed to fail at whatever he tries. Here again, a chemical high helps him out. In an altered state, he manages to feel "okay"
about himself, something he never really feels when he is drug-free. Besides alcohol and other drugs, other popular addictions
include food (see the Fat Person) and work (see Tomorrow At Tara).
The Remedy:
The first task for the Addict is to recognize and acknowledge the addiction. Then the Addict must begin taking responsibility:
Responsibility for his feelings and responsibility for the direction of his life. He must be willing to abstain from chemicals,
feel his emotions (even if they are painful, as emotions often are), and he must be willing to give up the illusion that he
is unique. The roles of Rescuer or Persecutor or both, which the Addict forces upon others are, in part, projections of the
way he treats himself. By alternately babying and bullying himself, the Addict stays in a constant state of conflict. Before
he can make progress, the Addict must make peace among these warring selves.
The Analyst
The Game:
Human feelings pose no problem at all for the Analyst. If something can be felt, it can be examined. If it can be examined,
then it need not be felt. Not surprisingly, most Analysts are bright people. They were the kind of children who did well in
school and even better in college or in business. One aspect of the Analyst's life is always dim and faulty, however, and
that's his social life. While the Analyst is ahead of others in his thinking, he is often at a loss when it comes to loving,
having friends, and simply enjoying himself. From a Transactional Analysis point of view, the Analyst is all Adult and no
Child. An intelligent mind is a wonderful thing to have, but the Analyst has used his intelligence to avoid dealing with his
feelings.
If a wife complains to her Analyst husband that he is cold
and undemonstrative, he is likely to respond in a detached way. "What is love?" he asks, turning the question into a philosophical
debate. The Analyst has always earned approval for being "a brain." Secretly, he suspects that giving into his emotions would
turn him into a helpless, quivering mass, a monstrous blob of need that everyone would run away from.
The Remedy:
Because the Analyst has always earned approval by doing (thinking), he has never learned about the "being" side of nature.
Consequently, hes not very good at it. He doesnt really know how to be a friend, a lover, or a partner; he doesnt even know
how to be himself. The Analyst must stop using his intellect to keep people at a distance. He must admit that his needs and
feelings are real and important in their own right. His most important task is to let himself be more, to let himself play
and feel, to allow himself to be spontaneous and vulnerable. When he sees that he can get approval by being himself, the Analyst
will no longer need to stifle his emotion.
The Broken Wing
The Game:
Broken Wing is a game particularly attractive to women, perhaps because society has often encouraged them to be helpless and
dependent. Men can play this game too, although they usually play a harder version of it, becoming addicts and even criminals.
The Broken Wing's life is a real mess. She walks around with her arm in a sling, talking about how tough things are and how
it's "just her luck" that things never work out.
The Broken Wing's problem isnt sharing her feelings, she
carries her lament to anyone who'll listen. Her problem is taking responsibility for those feelings. The Broken Wing's game
goes something like this: She confides in you and her problems become your responsibility. Her own massive needs always come
first, shes been wounded, and youre the one who's supposed to fix her up. She is seldom receptive to the needs of others and,
therefore, rarely develops healthy intimate relationships. The amazing thing is that the Broken Wings do develop relationships.
Female Broken Wings usually pair up with Gurus; male Broken Wings find Nurses to look after them.
The Remedy:
The Broken Wing's obsessive "sharing" amounts to nothing more than avoiding responsibility. To her, intimacy means having
someone to dump on. She needs to start taking responsibility for her live, her feelings, and the things that happen to her.
She needs to start focusing on the giving rather than on the taking aspects of intimacy.
The Challenger
The Game:
The Challenger is looking for unconditional approval. He wants you to love him in spite of the barriers he puts in your way.
Behind his crusty, often unattractive exterior, is a "true" self hes saving for those who prove themselves worthy. Needless
to say, the Challenger rarely, if ever, finds anyone who fits this description. Unconditional love is something reserved for
infants, a fact the Challenger refuses to acknowledge. In his mind, the lack of intimacy in his life isnt his fault at all
but the fault of those who won't accept him as is, even though "as is" may mean slovenly, dependent, selfish, rebellious,
and antisocial.
Like Peter Pan, the Challenger is the child who has never
grown up. Although he has high expectations of others, he won't allow others to expect anything at all from him. If they do,
they immediately become unworthy, a crime punishable by sulks, pouts, and withdrawal.
The Remedy:
The Challenger's key task is to see that he is the problem. Usually, he's oblivious to this like a child, he blames others
rather than himself for things that have gone wrong. Once he sees the part he plays in erecting barriers that keep others
away, he can begin tearing those barriers down. The Challenger was often over criticized as a child. A rebel by nature, he
adopted this extreme strategy as a means of expressing his anger and frustration. He needs to go back and reexamine this aspect
of his life. Is he still acting out his anger? Is he still trying to insulate himself from his critical parents? Realizing
that these strategies are no longer necessary or appropriate will help him let go of them.
The Chameleon
The Game:
Like nature's chameleon who camouflages itself by changing shades, this person hides from others by shifting ego states. If
you are speaking to the Chameleon on an adult-to-adult basis, she will suddenly let the Child part of her personality take
control. If you are both in your Child, the Chameleon may shift to her aloof and judgmental Parent. For example, one partner
may say to another, "Sometimes, Im afraid of making a commitment to you." Instead of sharing similar fears or reassuring her
partner of her love, the Chameleon will dance away, making a statement like, "Have you always been so neurotic?"
The Chameleon's continual shifting limits communication
and slams the door on intimacy. Usually, the person who is dealing with the Chameleon isnt even sure what has happened, he
only knows that he feels frustrated and pushed away. The Chameleon is just as oblivious to what she's doing, as are the people
around her. She doesn't consciously think, Im going to avoid sharing my real self with this person by shifting ego states.
The fast switches the Chameleon pulls are conscious but that doesn't make them any less effective. By trial and error, the
Chameleon has learned that certain types of responses will throw the other person off balance and keep the conversation on
a safely superficial level.
Usually, the Chameleon's fear is loss of control. She may
not feel she's a bad person, she may have no secrets to hide, but the idea of making unplanned disclosures is threatening
to her. It is so threatening, in fact, that she must keep a tight reign on the conversation at all times, even at the cost
of true intimacy.
The Remedy:
First, the Chameleon needs to become aware of her own tactics. Because she longs for intimacy even as she seeks to avoid it,
she may have a sense of loneliness and dissatisfaction. If she finds herself hungering for the kind of "heart-to-heart" communication
others seem to have, she must look at and take responsibility for her half of the conversation. The Chameleon needs to spot
her own ego shifts. This can be done by tracking her feelings through a conversation. When does she feel anxiety? What does
she say next? Anxiety is usually the trigger for her sudden flight. The Chameleon can improve by learning to confront her
anxiety rather than running from it.
The Come-on
The Game:
The Come-on is a seductive creature but something of a Venus's-Flytrap when it comes to intimacy. Because he both longs for
closeness and fears it, he gives those around him mixed signals. Hes good at sporadic, short-term closeness but true intimacy,
for him, remains frightening. When things get too close for comfort, he suddenly pulls away. When is that pressure point reached?
Thats the problem even the Come-on himself doesnt know until it happens. Things may seem fine. Then, all of a sudden, alarms
go off inside him and he's in full flight, leaving the other person confused and rebuffed.
Although at times, he may seem to be caring and considerate,
the Come-on's approach to human relationships is essentially a selfish one. When he yearns for closeness, he easily pulls
people to him. When closeness becomes uncomfortable, he slams the door on their expectations. The Come-on's self-centered
point of view keeps him, in the end, alone and isolated.
The Remedy:
Like the Chameleon, The Come-on often fears losing control. He needs to examine these feelings when they come up. Are they
appropriate to the situation at hand, or are they leftover messages from childhood? The Come-on also needs to examine his
selfish attitude toward others. Because he attracts people easily, he takes them for granted. Often, the loss of a particularly
important person in his life will bring him up short. The key to the Come-ons personal growth is leaning to see that people
are to be valued, not used and disposed of.
The Crazy Person
The Game:
The Crazy Person wears a sign that says, "Beware, and do not expect too much of me, for I am fragile." Beneath the cover of
this sign, the Crazy Person is free to indulge in all sorts of otherwise objectionable behavior. By playing fragile, the Crazy
Person feels absolved from the responsibilities of intimacy. She feels no need to be honest, open, loving, or giving. She's
crazy as she told you so, what do you expect? At the same time, her craziness entitles her to get a lot. She is struggling,
she is fragile, her needs are enormous, and the game she plays legitimizes her desire to place those needs ahead of anything
else.
People who are around the Crazy Person for very long eventually
find themselves feeling frustrated and exhausted. The reason: They are doing all the giving and none of the getting. Intimacy
can never be a two-way street with the Crazy Person because she sees herself as unequal, unstable, and weak.
The Remedy:
In this age of overly intense introspection, the Crazy Person is likely to blow normal fears, angers, and problems out of
proportion. She may claim fragility because she fears intimacy, completely losing sight of the fact that everyone else fears
intimacy too. Even when the Crazy Person's problems are legitimate, her game is not. She must stop using her difficulties
as an excuse, she must take responsibility for her actions, attitudes, and interactions in the here and now, regardless of
what went on in her past.
The Critic
The Game:
The Critic has a deep-seated fear of revealing himself to others, although hes seldom aware of this. Often, he believes theres
nothing he'd like more. Critic's parents long to be closer to their children; single Critics search endlessly for partners;
married Critics yearn for an intimacy that, somehow, never comes. What goes on in the Critic's life to block intimacy? In
a word, criticism.
The Critic is always on a fault finding mission. His hidden
agenda goes something like this: I can't be open with this person because there's something wrong with him; when someone good
enough comes along, then I'll be open. The Critic thinks of himself as superior, the upholder of standards and good taste.
In reality, he is often a tedious boor, rigid and judgmental, incapable of the intimacy he believes he wants.
The Remedy:
As a child, the Critic may have been severely judged by his parents. His feelings of fundamental unworthiness and inadequacy
haunt him through his adult years, making the prospect of self-disclosure a terrifying one. The Critic needs to work on rethinking
this early life decision. Is he really not okay, or is that only the feeling his parents gave him about himself? If the Critic
can make the switch-decide he is in deed okay then he can allow the rest of the world to be okay as well. He will no longer
need to hide his flawed and faulty self, and will be able to move toward the intimacy he longs for.
Daddy Warbucks
The Game:
Daddy Warbucks has traditionally been a man's game. As women find work outside the home and gain economic power, they become
eligible players as well. A few very strong women have played the game without working outside the home, in which case the
game is called Matriarch. Daddy Warbucks is the ultimate provider. Its his labor that puts food on the table, clothes in the
closet, and gas in the car. He works so those around him might prosper. But Daddy Warbucks is more than a provider, hes also
a despot.
As Daddy Warbucks learned long ago, he who controls the
purse strings controls. Daddy Warbucks is willing to share his cash but not his feelings. Consequently, he uses his role as
provider to keep his wife and children at arms length.
The Remedy:
Why is Daddy Warbucks so uncomfortable with feelings? Often, he has a life script that says, "Emotions are weak." This is
especially true for men who were encouraged by their parents and by society not to show emotion. Daddy Warbucks needs to take
another look at this life script. He needs to give himself permission to feel, even if that means feeling inadequate, frightened,
and vulnerable from time to time. When he sees that his family will not abandon him for having these feelings, he will no
longer need to keep them at such a distance. He can stop using money as a means of achieving love and respect.
The Discounter
The Game:
The Discounter devalues the importance of feelings, his own as well as everyone elses. If he feels lonely or isolated, he's
likely to shrug his discomfort aside. If a friend confesses to feeling frightened or insecure, he's likely to respond, "So
what?"
There are several techniques the Discounter uses. He may
simply deny his (or other's) feelings completely. Or he may be aware of his feelings but unwilling to "waste time talking
about them." Still another approach is to claim that "everyone feels like this" thus depriving feelings of their special and
unique qualities. The Discounter's game works two ways. First, it keeps him from opening up to others. Second, it discourages
others from opening up to him. People who confide in the Discounter often come away feeling wounded and rebuffed; made to
feel as if their feelings just don't matter.
The Remedy:
Often, the Discounter has a life script that says, "Don't feel." (Perhaps this is why so many Discounters, encouraged by cultural
stereotypes, are men.) Since all Discounters are human and since all humans feel, the Discounter needs to realize he is trying
to live out a script that is impossible. He needs to give himself permission to feel and to realize feelings, his own as well
as those of others are important and essential.
The Entertainer
The Game:
Some Entertainers actually take to the stage as a career; others merely make small stages of their own lives. Either way,
the Entertainer is easy to spot: He's the person who can hold an audience in the palm of his hand, spellbinding them with
fascinating tales or delighting them with laugh-a-minute jokes. Because the Entertainer is always at the center of a crowd
and because he is almost always doing the talking, he's the last person you'd suspect of withholding himself from others,
but that's often just what's going on. If you look closely, you'll see that the entertainer functions best when he's on stage,
setting the pace, with his listeners safely in their chairs.
Any member of the audience who breaks this rule and gets
too close is likely to be shunned as a heckler. The Entertainer is great in front of a group. Get him alone, in a one-on-one
situation, with an outcome he can't control, and he isn't nearly so comfortable. Putting on a show is comfortable to him;
sharing his inner self is not. For this reason, many Entertainers eventually become tragic clowns, laughing on the outside
and crying on the inside.
The Remedy:
Aside from wanting to demolish the barriers he himself has erected, the Entertainer must also take a hard look at the secondary
gains his game brings him. In most cases, his role as Entertainer fosters the illusion that he is exalted, unique, and superior
to those in his audience. Before he can comfortably share his feelings with others, the Entertainer must give up this illusion.
He must come to see himself and others as equals, partners in the business of living and loving.
The Fat Person
The Game:
Although the Fat Person is not always a woman, the proportion of women who have some kind of eating disorder is vastly higher
than the proportion of men who suffer similar problems. Many of the statements made about the game played by the Addict also
apply to the Fat Person. However, the Fat Person's game has an extra component: the layer of armor (fat) she carries as a
result of her compulsive eating. The Fat Person lives on a merry-go-round. At an early age, she has learned to deny her feelings
to literally stuff them down by swallowing large amounts of food.
As her behavior leads her further and further into isolation,
her feelings of loneliness, anger, and sadness grow, making it necessary to consume even larger amounts of food. The excess
weight that results from overeating is important to the Fat Person. It is, literally, armor against the world. Women often
gain weight to keep them safe from men, sex, and intimate relationships. Just as often, weight becomes a scapegoat, the reason
the Fat Person never married, failed to achieve career success, or missed pursuing some vital interest. While the Fat Person
bears a strong resemblance to the Addict, she also has a strong streak of the Challenger in her. She longs to be loved and
admired just as everyone else does, but insists that others love her in spite of the fact her primary involvement is with
food.
The Remedy:
The Fat Person must recognize her addiction and stop using her body as a scapegoat. Since overweight people do achieve love,
success, and happiness, the Fat Person must realize that she, not her body, is responsible for the emptiness in her life.
The Fat Person feels her problem is an insatiable appetite, but this is seldom the case. Her real problem is her resistance
to being thin, which fosters her appetite. To the Fat Person, thin means vulnerable, accessible, and being in touch with feelings.
When the Fat Person becomes willing to surrender her armor,
her need to use food as a replacement for relationships will diminish. The Fat Person must learn not only to accept her feelings
but also to allow herself to feel positively about her body. If she can do this, she will learn to nourish rather than stuff
herself, thus stopping the abuse that has gone on. Once she has accepted her body, she can begin forming relationships with
others who also accept her. (Previously, the self-hating Fat Person may have surrounded herself with people who reflected
her own critical, unloving attitudes.) Forming positive relationships with others will take away the loneliness the Fat Person
feelsa gap she has previously tried to fill with food.
The Guru
The Game:
The Guru appears in many forms: He may see himself as a savior, spiritual guide, a teacher, therapist, or healer. Yet behind
his mask of all-knowingness, the Guru is none of these things. He is not truly concerned with helping, sharing or caring but
with armoring his own insecure ego. To keep others from seeing how inadequate he is, the Guru must constantly put himself
in a superior position. He accomplishes this by convincing himself he is gifted with special wisdom or insight. Certain that
he knows best, he sets about enlightening those around him pointing out their flaws, telling them how to live their lives,
congratulating himself on the good work he's doing.
Often, to make the illusion complete, he surrounds himself
with people who are floundering and inadequate Broken Wings who are in no position to challenge him or reflect his brand of
salvation. Even if there are not Broken Wings around, the Guru will preach his message ad nauseum. If anyone protests or tells
him to mind his own business, hes likely to adopt a martyred expression and protest, "But Im doing this to help you."
The Remedy:
The Guru must confront the truth about himself: Instead of caring about others, he uses those around him to bolster his own
insecure ego. He must have the courage to admit he doesn't want to see people succeed nearly as much as he wants to assure
himself that no one is quite as good as he is. The Guru can learn the true meaning of loving and sharing, but he must drop
the illusions he holds about himself: The lie that he is gifted with special knowledge; the tortured belief that he is inadequate.
If the Guru can accept and love himself as he is, he'll no longer need to judge others so harshly.
The I-Dont-Want-To-Burden-You-Person
The Game:
This is a game most often played by women, who are encouraged to be passive and, as a consequence, feel especially at home
in the role of Shrinking Violet. The I Dont Want To Burden You Person is a natural sidekick, someone who would rather talk
about the exploits of others than about herself. When it comes to making friends, she attaches herself to people she sees
as more powerful, more intelligent, and more important than she is.
If theres a difference of opinion, the I Dont Want To Burden
You Person trusts the other persons intuition not her own. In fact, she often waits to hear what someone else thinks before
going out on a limb to express her own ideas. As for sharing feelings, she'll listen unflaggingly to other people's tales
of woe, always coming forward to offer sympathy, support, or whatever she thinks is needed even if it's inconvenient for her
to do so. But she never shares her feelings in return. She believes her own feelings are too unimportant to inflict on anyone
else. She doesn't want to be a drag; she doesn't want to burden others with her mediocre, uninspiring ideas.
While this sounds like ultra-considerate behavior, anyone
who has ever befriended the I Dont Want To Burden You Person knows better. Trying to get a fix on how this person feels is
like pulling teeth. In the final analysis, this is a withholding game, one that makes others take responsibility to whatever
relationship develops.
The Remedy:
The I Dont Want To Burden You Person needs to discover her own feelings before she can share them with others. Often, she
is out of touch with how she feels and what she wants because she has made a lifestyle of adapting herself to the desires
of others. After the I Dont Want To Burden You Person sees that she has a right to her feelings, she must also see that she
has a responsibility to share them. She must understand that, in choosing passivity, she has opted for the easy way out, a
way that keeps her safe from risk and rejection. If she can become courageous enough to brave these hazards, she can unlock
her untapped potential for loving.
The Juggler
The Game:
On the surface, the Juggler seems to have no problems at all. With dozens of friends and no empty slots on his calendar, his
social life is bursting at the seams. Those who want to get close to the Juggler will have to wait in line for the chance.
And that's just the problem. The Juggler uses people to insulate himself. He keeps a steady stream of them coming and going
in his life, ensuring that he will never have time to get too close to anyone.
Although he thinks of himself as open and people-loving,
the Juggler fears intimacy. He is secretive and elusive about himself and often feels that people are trying to "pin him down."
If the Juggler is single, he goes through partners very quickly, never staying long enough to let a relationship develop.
If the Juggler is married, he may cheat his partner by letting too many other people claim his time, coworkers, friends, parents,
even other lovers. It's important not to confuse the Juggler with the healthy person who is simply gregarious.
Even the friendliest extrovert has a sense of priorities,
reserving large chunks of time and energy for those closest to him. The Juggler has no such priorities. Just the opposite,
in fact. When a relationship threatens to become too intimate, thats when the Juggler withdraws completely.
The Remedy:
A good place for the Juggler to start is with his relationships to others. How do other people seem to him? Would he describe
most of the people he meets as needy, insecure, jealous, demanding or anxious for commitments? If so, the Juggler needs to
consider the role he is playing. His need to have no demands placed on him may be skewing his vision. Also, his no-strings
behavior may be at fault, breeding insecurity in those around him. Its a good bet that, for whatever reasons, the Juggler
knows very little about intimacy.
He doesnt know how to go about getting it and is relatively
ignorant of its unique rewards. A good first step for him would be to start setting priorities in his life, learning to invest
more time and energy in some people than in others. Learning who to open up to and who to trust is something the Juggler has
never mastered, but its a task he must begin.
The Nurse
The Game:
This game, which emphasizes compliance, self-sacrifice, and a mothering attitude is most frequently played by women. However,
men can and do join in at times. The Nurse spends her life trying to anticipate and fulfill the needs of others. She has a
strong urge to rescue people and so surrounds herself with those who will use and exploit her: chemically dependent husbands,
delinquent children, whining parents, unappreciative friends.
Because the Nurse makes a point of anticipating the needs
of others, she expects others to do the same for her. She will not ask for what she wants but will wait passively, longing
for rewards that never come. After years of service, the Nurse finds herself in a state of emotional starvation. The very
people she lavished herself on have fled from her. Angry at being neglected the Nurse may take one of three routes: She may
become a nagging martyr, she may become even more passive and withdrawn, or she may begin the cycle all over again, looking
for new people to spend herself on.
The Remedy:
The Nurse needs to take a close look at the payoff of her game. By playing caretaker, she gets to feel needed and important.
Since none of her relationships are equal ones, she need never disclose herself. Her own problems remain snugly hidden, even
from herself. The Nurse also needs to examine the nature of her rescuing. Is she really helping others, or is she simply aiding
and abetting their difficulties?
Caring for people is fine, but smothering them is something
else. Part of the Nurses game may be to bind people to her by keeping them needy and dependent. Flight is their only escape,
which explains why the Nurse so often finds herself alone and abandoned. The Nurses major task lies in getting in touch with
herself, her own problems, her own needs. She must start asking for what she wants, rather than foisting that responsibility
upon others. If there is a major problem in her life, she must tackle it head on rather than expect it to disappear while
she is off rescuing someone else.
The Possum
The Game:
Like the animal for whom this game was named, the Possum has a unique ability to play dead. He appears to have no feelings
at all, and is so convincing he often fools himself as well as others. The Possum can be either a man or a woman, although
society, with its emphasis on male stoicism, does more to encourage men in this game. The Possum holds firm with the belief
that, to get through life, you've got to be tough. This means cutting himself off from his feelings.
To the Possum, feelings are merely chinks in the armor,
signs of weakness and vulnerability. This he goes through life stifling his joy and anger. Because he is locked up emotionally,
the Possum often comes across as cold or distant. He is never able to share, as other people do, this large and important
part of himself. Because he is out of touch with his emotions, he is unable to learn from them.
While those around him grow and change, the Possum is frozen
in place. Since suppressed emotions take their toll on the body, the possum is susceptible to any number of physical ills.
He may grind his teeth, develop high blood pressure, have migraine headaches, or suffer from tense, painfully aching muscles.
Even these warning signs do not alert the Possum, whose impulse is to ignore whats going on inside him and keep struggling
as best he can, with the outside world.
The Remedy:
The Possum who wishes to change must look at his original life script. What made him decide feelings are dangerous? How did
this decision become a permanent philosophy of life? Often, the Possum had parents who ridiculed or otherwise punished him
for revealing his feelings. This nonphysical yet nevertheless brutal abuse, suffered at the hands of those whose approval
he wanted most, led the Possum to regard his feelings as weapons that could be used against him.
The Possum learned not only to withhold his feelings but
to "disarm" himself by pretending feelings simply didn't exist. For the Possum, healing comes in small doses. His first step
is to explore his own emotional terrain. While this is second nature for most of us, the Possum must make a special effort.
He must ask himself whether he feels mad, sad, glad, or afraid about things. The Possums second task, sharing his feelings
with others, is just as important. He must find those who will reward him for having feelings, rather than punish him as his
parents did. As he receives positive reinforcement from himself and those around him, the Possum will be able to formulate
a more rational life script, one which says feelings are okay.
The Proxy
The Game:
Although men can play this game, it seems to come more easily to women, who generally have a larger support network to draw
on. The Proxy has mastered the art of confession. Frequently, she has schooled herself on magazine articles, pop psychology
books, and radio psychology until she has the lingo down pat. She can describe any problem or emotion in just the right terms,
and is likely to strike others as remarkably insightful.
The trouble is that the Proxy misapplies what she has learned.
If she is having a problem with her partner, she makes no disclosure to him but goes instead to a proxy, a disinterested third
party who is not involved in the situation. Her efforts are aimed in the wrong direction: She makes intimate disclosures to
drive a wedge between herself and those she loves most. By the time she has discussed her feelings with half a dozen other
people, she seldom has the energy or the incentive left to share her feelings with those who truly count in her life.
The Remedy:
Much of the Proxy's behavior is simply a bad habit. It's easier to share ourselves with people who have no stake in our lives
because, in doing so, we risk nothing. The Proxy has simply learned to take the easy way out, and this has become a destructive
habit, one with consequences she should take time to consider. The Proxy also needs to think about the fact that she may be
playing a game called "Good Guy, Bad Guy." Does she disclose the full story, or does she paint a scene in which she is eternally
good, wise, and well-meaning while her partner is selfish, stupid, and immature?
The wonderful thing about confiding in a third party is
that you wont get any arguments as the Proxy well knows. Thus, her seeming disclosures may be nothing more than crying sessions,
effective only for whipping up her already well-developed sense of self-pity. To break her pattern, the Proxy must be willing
to stop complaining and risk being challenged.
The Right Stuff Person
The Game:
The Right Stuff Person hides behind a wall of material possessions. His life is lived according to trend, and he has refined
consumerism to an art: His apartment is full of the latest electronic toys, his closet is bursting with stylish clothes, his
conversation is studded with references to celebrities in the news. If the Right Stuff Person is a woman, an extra layer of
camouflage is added in the form of makeup, which she has spent years learning to apply. Some find conversation with the Right
Stuff Person boring, others find it fascinating.
The Right Stuff Person is a faithful reporter. He knows
what's hot and what's not, has seen all the new movies and read all the right books, and can be counted on to keep his listeners
informed. But the Right Stuff Person's conversation, like his life, is all outer-directed. He never talks about his own feelings
or ventures to share an original idea. After a while, this becomes a limitation and people seeking more than superficial reportage
pull away from him.
Right Stuff women often marry Right Stuff men and drift
for years in hollow, unsatisfying marriages. The Right Stuff Person needs this elaborate costuming because he feels that he
is not worth noticing. He believes his feelings are banal and boring: not nearly as exciting as the feelings of the rich,
famous and talented. In the Right Stuff Person's mind, it's always better to be a good imitation rather than a poor original.
The Remedy:
The Right Stuff Person labors under the belief that he can literally become what he buys. Acquiring things gives him an illusory
sense of power and importance, and surrounding himself with them makes him feel secure. The Right Stuff Person needs to confront
this illusion head-on. He needs to consider the fact that frantic collecting is an attempt to fill up the hollow spots in
his life.
Because the Right Stuff Person has spent so much time acquiring
and absorbing, he has neglected other aspects of his life. Usually, his personal relationships are shallow and unsatisfying;
he seldom gets from them the reassurance he desires. Frequently, his career life is also a disappointment, since he has never
stretched himself to develop his talents. The Right Stuff Person needs to throw away his props (or at least push them off
stage for a awhile) and work on presenting himself as is. Since he may have surrounded himself with a crowd of other Right
Stuff people, he may have to change his friends to do so. However, many other people will give him positive reinforcement
for being himselfexactly what the Right Stuff Person needs to begin filling the yawning gaps in his self-image.
The Skin Deep Person
The Game: Because of the high priority placed on feminine beauty in most cultures, this game
is commonly played by women, but men can play as well. The Skin Deep Person is physically attractive, although she often doesn't
think so. To make up for her "flaws," she spends a lot of time working on her exterior. If she puts up a good front, the Skin
Deep Person thinks people wont see how shallow and unattractive she really is. Is the Skin Deep Person really shallow? She
often ends up that way. Focusing on her physical appearance leaves little time for self-improvement. She can get by on her
looks and has no scruples about taking advantage of the situation. Because of this, she has not learned to cooperate with
others or to share herself with them. She lacks the basic understanding needed to build sound relationships.
This brings a lot of sadness into the Skin Deep Person's
life. She often complains of being treated like an object. "I want to be loved for myself," she cries. But the game she plays
keeps that from happening. She sees herself only as an object. She polishes her exterior and ignores her inner self, and she
usually attracts people who treat her the same way. The meager love the Skin Deep Person receives doesn't make her happy.
Anyone who is too stupid to see past her glitzy exterior is a fool in her eyes. She believes the only people whose love is
worth having are those who are wise enough to see through her and reject her.
The Remedy:
The Skin Deep Person uses physical attractiveness as armor, armor she has adopted because she is afraid of letting others
get close to her. To be loved "for herself," as the Skin Deep Person longs to be, she must stop regarding herself as an object.
She must stop trading on her good looks, and must accept her real or imagined physical flaws. Most of all, she must begin
learning the lessons she has thus far avoided: cooperation and sharing, giving to others as opposed to merely taking from
them.
The Tomorrow At Tara Person
The Game:
Rhett, Ashley, and saving Tara from the Yankees, kept Scarlett oHara awfully busy. So busy in fact, that she seldom had time
to feel. Whenever a twinge of discomfort assaulted her, shed push it aside. "I'll think about that tomorrow," she told herself;
"tomorrow at Tara there'll be time for that. "Not surprisingly, tomorrow never came. Scarlett kept pushing her feelings aside,
realizing she loved Rhett only when he lost patience and walked out on her.
Like Scarlett, the Tomorrow At Tara Person often realizes
his feelings too late. On a day-to-day basis, he keeps himself so busy there is no time left for his emotions. Do, do, do
is the order of the day, and the Tomorrow At Tara Person is frequently a high achiever who wins admiration for his many accomplishments.
In spite of these accomplishments, the Tomorrow At Tara Person is seldom truly happy. He has left too many emotions untended.
His hard-driving nature may have driven loved ones away from him, leaving him alone or trapped in brittle, impersonal relationships.
Realization often comes only when he loses something or someone of value to him.
Because he has ignored his feelings, the Tomorrow At Tara
Person is often filled with regret. If only I had enjoyed my youth. If only I had spent more time with my children. If only
I knew you loved me! These are the kinds of remorseful thoughts the Tomorrow At Tara Person frequently lives with. In the
past, the Tomorrow At Tara Person was likely to be a man. Today, with the explosion of women into the work force, its just
as likely to be a woman. As one psychologist has pointed out, the modern woman may successfully avoid intimate relationships
by being "otherwise engaged," caught up in her career and unavailable to men.
The Remedy:
As a child, the Tomorrow At Tara Person probably got lots of reinforcement for doing things. At the same time, he may have
gotten no reinforcement at all (or even negative reinforcement) for simply being himself. As a result, this person decided
he was fundamentally unworthy, acceptable only when he got things done. The Tomorrow At Tara Person needs to reexamine this
early life decision. He needs to spend less time doing and more time being. This isn't easy.
In fact, it flies in the face of all the Tomorrow At Tara
person believes. If he stops doing, then hell become nothing at all. Even worse, the feeling he has been pushing aside will
come bubbling to the surface. Nevertheless, if the Tomorrow At Tara Person can give himself permission to simply exist as
well as permission to feel troubled, sad, and vulnerable, he will discover the delights and joys hidden in his disowned self.
~Holding Back (Why we hide the truth
about ourselves) by Marie Lindquist~
